Derelict of the Year Past Winning Nominations
1991 - Mike Elfendahl: UA Police Department File #314159
Height: 6'0"
Date of Birth:about 25 years ago, just before lunch
Eyes: one or both black
Complexion: boyish
Alias: Spevy (taken from name of his speed metal band: Vehement Spevy)
Residence: soon to be with the U of A IceCats
Hobbies: slam dancing with speakers at heavy metal concerts
Attention: suspect may become violent at sporting events
Weakness: turns to Jello(TM) in presence of major sports figures
I'm a rocker
I'm a roller
I'm a right out of controller
I'm a teacher
I'm a preacher
I'm a mathe-manic creature
I'm a bruiser
I'm a cruiser
I'm a rockin' rollin' man
Got a new snare drum
Got cymbals too
Got a pair of sticks
Lemme play for you!
I'm a rocker
I'm a roller
I'm a rockin' rollin' man
Got a place to live
It'll be a riot
With the hockey team
Some peace and quiet
I'm a rocker
I'm a roller
I'm a rockin' rollin' man
1992 - George Fennemore: The Drag Racing Machine
Though he has been in Arizona for scarcely ten months he has proved himself more than worthy of being the recipient of this year's award. Although there are many aspects of his character that qualify him for this honor, the most salient events are those experienced in his road handling.
George bought a brand new car a few weeks before coming here. Early in November he, along with others, took a trip to the Chiracahuas. As we returned and stopped for dinner in a nearby town he rear-ended the other vehicle along on this outing. Nonplussed by this incident, he was in the passing lane on the verge of passing lane on the verge of passing the other vehicle when suddenly a large semi bore down on him from behind. Instead of leaving the path of the semi, George accelerated to over 80 mph., so as not to be overtaken, thus looking like a mouse, racing just inches in front of a lion's mouth.
During Thanksgiving break, he and one of the authors attempted to visit the Grand Canyon. After spending a night in Flagstaff, we awoke to witness one of the heaviest snowstorms that area had seen in several years. Undaunted, we continued onward through treacherous conditions. We were able to travel several miles, many behind a van with a cautious driver. Finally, thinking the driver too cautious, George attempted to pass the van, and quickly realized the reason for such caution. At mile 108, after dancing several feet, the car finally came to rest on top of a sign in a rather steep ditch. Within an hour, during which the author was fighting off numbing winds and freezing temperatures in rather inadequate garments, the car was pulled out and we cautiously headed southward foregoing the canyon.
Perhaps the most famous driving incident was just this spring when George chauffeured the visiting prospective students to the hike at Sabino Canyon. Bored with the usual route, George inadvertently gave the students a tour of South Tucson, Ajo Road and other sights on the South side of town before deciding to end the tour and consult a map.
As yet the only other incident known to us was when George drove up to Phoenix with some friends to see a Huey Lewis concert. While searching for the fairgrounds he made a rather wide right-hand turn that put him on the sidewalk. While this is common practice in some countries, we suspect it is quite a faux pas in Phoenix. All known witnesses survived the incident.
1993 - Wayne Hacker
Wayne Hacker: Ninja Bonehead Redux
It was a hot day, not too hot, mind you. It was just hot enough for long enough that people all around were feeling edgy and were bickering, calling each other names, and uttering monstrosities at each other that they would later regret. So bad was this heat that even the air floated in anguish as it sat on leaves and leaned on trees, making people's hair stand on end (which, of course, made them even angrier).
One person, however, was feeling ordinary. No abnormal agitation, nothing of the sort. He was, for the most part, happy. But let there be no mistake. His feeling of general aloofness wasn't due to his good nature, or his charming demeanor. Instead, it was because he was a graduate school of applied mathematics. That is to say that he didn't get out much and so there wasn't much to quarrel about or even anyone to quarrel with.
Then something happened . . . On this very hot day he was nominated for Derelict of the Year.
His name is Wayne Hacker and his friends came up with many reasons why he should win the award. This is a list of the top ten of those reasons, discussed on that very hot day. (By the way Wayne was hot too, but he thought it was because his first name was some famous guy's last name).
He believes that is he can't answer a question the question must be wrong.
He wears bright purple shoes and loud tee shirts so that in a crowd room of mathematicians, even standing next to David Ropp, he still looks like a geek.
He believes he can asymptotically expand stomach to fit 27 waffles, 14 strawberry-banana medleys and a small child.
He doesn't know who's teaching analysis and thinks that Kennedy is either some playboy senator in Washington or a space center in Florida.
He is the only guy who gets cut off from marguerites at Two Pesos “Just for slamming a chair against the wall” (direct quote).
If Wayne wrote this list it would take 12 volumes and would be listed in six different ways.
He just looks like a derelict.
He continuously brags about his childhood friends all of whom are now in jail or currently eating a lot of food at some bad restaurant.
Vote for him and nobody gets hurt.
Finally, the number one reason why Wayne should be Derelict of the Year.
On one of Dr. Levermore's famous Assignments from Hell, Wayne convinced himself that the professor had proposed an impossible question. Wayne went to great length to construct a counter example showing the problem couldn't be done and then presented it, and put it in writing, to “Dr. Dave Bonehead Levermore”. Then Wayne continued to explain that said professor should be more careful before he handed out assignments. Of course, Wayne's counter example was wrong.
So it goes to show: When it comes to boneheads, “It takes one to know one!”
Wayne Hacker: The Asymptotic Ninja Bonehead
After barely getting his feet wet in the washes of Tucson, this first year applied mathematician has already made a resounding impression on the local population. Whether he's seeing how many Denny's he can eat for free on his birthday, practicing 1001 ways to use boots to kill a man, or using asymptotic analysis to solve dy/dt = 0; y(0) = 0, Wayne never fails to employ his renown 3 am logic at any time of the day. No place has this logic served Wayne better than when he grinds out his core classes' homework assignments, page, after page, page, after page, page, after page, ... after page of bright yellow paper written in the faintest lead pencil to be found. Furthermore, whether he is LU decomposing a 2x2 matrix or proving L2(R) is a Hilbert Space, Wayne never fails to employ an asymptotic sequence.
In one particular homework assignment, a problem was given which could not be reduced to asymptotics in any way, shape, or form. Wayne was outraged. After spending five days trying to solve the problem, Wayne concluded that if it could not be done asymptotically, then it could not be done at all. Infuriated, Wayne wrote a scathing note to his professor in which he referred to this faculty member as “bonehead”. Unfortunately for Wayne, the professor was able to give a solution to the problem, but unrepenting Wayne has still vowed to continue using asymptotics to expose “boneheads” everywhere.